Our Story

I stayed home with London for 7 weeks and then returned back to work part-time. A good friend of ours has a daycare and I felt really comfortable taking London to her house. She had a small daycare and London was the only infant so I knew she would get a lot of attention!

April 18, 2002 began like any other morning. I nursed London in bed with me around 6:15am and then she fell asleep. I then got ready for work. When I was finished I picked London up and kissed her face and said "good morning mommy's little sunshine", she nestled her face in my shoulder and made a few grunting noises, as if to say she wanted to keep sleeping! I got her dressed and put lotion on her and told her how pretty she looked and smelled. As I was gathering all her things and putting them in her bag I saw her following me with her eyes. I went to her and asked her if she was watching mommy get her things together, she smiled real big at me.....she was so sweet! I was so happy, I loved my baby girl so much, more than I could ever have imagined possible. On the way to daycare I played London's favorite music, a CD that had Jesus Loves Me on it. She was quiet all the way there. I took her inside and she started fussing and I handed her to Juile and I kissed her and told her I loved her. I was late for work so I raced out the door never looking back.

It was around 9:30am and I went into the breakroom to pump. When I got done I called Julie's to see how London was doing. No one answered (I found out later she was on the other line with 911). About 15 minutes later at around 10:30am I got the call that forever changed my life. It was Julie and she was yelling in this horrible panic voice that something happened to London and I needed to get to the hospital right away. My heart sank to the ground and I felt my body go numb. I was trying to register what I was hearing. I asked her what happened and she said London wasn't breathing and she was blue. From there I don't know exactly what happened next. I believe I started screaming hysterically and my co-worker Renee drove me to the hospital. On the way there I called my husband at work and tried to get out the words.... something had happened to London and she wasn't breathing. When we arrived at the hospital which was about 5 minutes from where I work, I could hear sirens and I knew it was London coming in the ambulance. I was screaming and crying so hard when they pulled into the area where the emergency room is. They opened the back of the ambulance and I could see London's patchwork jeans I dressed her in that morning and I knew at that moment it was really true. I kept screaming at them to tell me if she was alive and they just ignorned me. A security guard came to hold me back. Shortly after that my mother got there and told them to answer me, "was she breathing?" one paramedic shook his head "no". I became so hysterical it was almost like an out of body experience. They took us into this quiet room and soon after my husband arrived. A doctor came in and closed the door and broke the news that London was gone. It was the worst thing I have ever felt in my life. At that moment I wanted to die. How could this happen? He said it looked like SIDS. They took us into a room so we could hold London. I remember looking at her and thinking, how is this the same happy baby I left a few hours ago? She was so cold and heavy. My husband and I laid on the gurney with her for several hours and then our parents held London and said good bye. The coroner said we needed to say good bye soon. I cried so hard and said I can't leave her. Leaving was the second hardest thing that happened that day. We went to our car and her carseat was in the backseat, it was so horrid I couldn't believe this was happening. We came home and all our family came over and I just wanted life to stop. My husband and I went in her nursery and laid on the floor together and just sobbed. The next morning we had to make funeral arrangements. I didn't want to, I didn't want to do anything, I was in so much pain.

London 's funeral was so beautiful. My husband carried London's tiny casket into the church and there were so many friends and family there and lots of beautiful flowers. We had a slide show that showed pictures from my pregnancy to her birth and then her brief life with us. It was very special, we just wanted everyone to know how much we loved our baby and how much happiness she brought to our lives. After the service we went to the cemetery to lay her to rest. We had a balloon release, 100 lavender balloons we released to Heaven for London.

Losing London has forever changed us. I have questioned everything about life, faith, and why we are even put on this earth. My arms ache to hold London, to kiss her and hear her raspy little cry. She was a true blessing in our lives and we can't wait until the day we will be together again. We would never trade London's life to be spared the deep pain we hold in our hearts today, because with that pain we have also known the best love of all. When I am having a difficult day I just close my eyes and imagine London wrapping her tiny arms around me, giving me the strength I need to survive without her.